Itsy Bitsy Spider

Instead of the Itsy Bitsy Spider crawling up the water spout, it crawled up me. Or dropped down on me....I dont really know or care. The point is, IT WAS ON MEEEEEEEEE!!!! HUGE...horrific...GINORMOUS spider. There he was perched on my neck like he belonged there...as if he rented out space on my skin. I didnt even know he was there until I walked into the bathroom to do my business and checked the mirror, (like every good beauty queen does), and thats when I saw him.

I would like to think that I am near invincible. I have been through enough in my life to officially say, "Yep, I am a strong woman...hear me roar." I have been through some things that most people would turn inside out having gone through. ....and I almost have. Besides considering myself emotionally strong, I also believe I have an incredible tolerance for physical pain. I like the feeling of tattoos and I have yet to get a piercing that really hurt bad. Ok, there was the time I asked the man who gave me an epidural before my c-section if he would marry me. BUT! I still endured 12 hours of hard, constant, complicated labor with no pain medication. I am a rock.

That is unless there is a spider ANYWHERE in a 200 mile radius of me. Yes, of course I believe there are no spiders in that bubble spider-free zone if I cant see them. I am choosing to believe they do not exist. So imagine my utter horror to find one content to lounge on my neck! *skin crawling while I think about it*

Here I am, rock of womanhood, staring into the mirror gathering the strength and bravery it would take to muster up a polite request to my husband to come retrieve the spider from my body. However, my polite lady-like request came out a shrill, panic-stricken scream, "SPIIIIIIIDERRRRRRRRRRRR! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK TROYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY SPIDERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!! ITS ON MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!" Im not sure how long it exactly took my molasses-moving husband to get into the bathroom, but I can tell you it wasnt fast enough. For some reason, maybe it was my loud shreiking, the spider decided to move. YES MOVE....crawling along my neck down to my chest and was heading for my clevage under my shirt. At this point I only knew two things, 1) This spider was looking for a space to claw its way into my body and lay eggs. and 2) Troy was not going to get there in time to save me. Immediately I did what any Rock of Womanhood would do. I jumped up and down stamping my feet screaming at the top of my lungs loud of enough to rival any Hollywood scream queen.

I must have had my eyes closed because when I open them again Troy is there plucking the spider off of my chest just before it darted into my bra and Dylan and Makayla are standing in the doorway looking at me and looking for indications of why I was screaming bloody murder. I look at Troy expecting him to be the Knight in Shining Spider armor, but he is just laughing at me. Bastard. The spider, now squished and ready to be flushed down the toilet, was foiled.....for now.

After washing my neck thoroughly, I went to find Jubilee. She looked up at me and asked, "Itsy Bitsy Spider on Mommy?" Since learning the song, every spider is Itsy Bitsy. I said, "No, this spider was HUGE Juju... not itsy bitsy." She corrected me by singing, for about the 10th time today, Itsy Bitsy Spider.