Pulling the all Nighter of Anxiety

For the most part, my anxiety is very much in control. Once in a while I will get a little wiggety over something ridiculous, and I can recognize its irrational and know it will be over soon. Last night was not one of those times.

Jubilee has had a fever off and on since Monday night. I knew she must have been feeling awfully icky because all she wanted to do was lay in my bed with her binky, babies, and blankey. Jubilee is very happy and exuberant by nature, so when she is feeling blah, its obvious.

All week her temp had been 101 - 102. No biggie. But then, last night as Troy was putting her to bed he asked me to come feel her chest. OMG ....it was on FIRE and her little heart was racing. I took her temp again, (under her arm), and it was 103.9. If you take a temp under the arm, you are supposed to add one degree. 104.9..... YIKES!!! While I called the on-call service for the doctor, Troy ran a bath in hopes that would help take her temperature down. Of course its just a answering service, and they have to get a nurse to call you back, so in the meantime we gave Jubilee some more Motrin. Troy finished her bath and laid her down...we took her temp again - 103.1 ... whew..ok, coming down. By now, anxiety is knocking at the door, but nothing I cant ignore.

I sat for a 1/2 hour staring at the phone, willing it to ring. I was almost positive I was going to get some grumpy nurse wondering why the heck some wet-behind-the-ears mom is worried about a little fever. Instead I got the most helpful and understanding registered nurse ever. She said that Jubilee's fever could not be related to the chicken pox shot she got on Monday. If she were to have a reaction to her shot, it wouldnt be for 14 to 20 days after she received it. So either she's got a little bug, or its bacteria related.

Here is where my anxiety decided to have a party and invite its white trash relatives. It never occurred to me before that it could be anything other than a little bug. Suddenly my mind was playing through 100 different scenarios - all of which no Mom should be picturing about their baby. The nurse was speaking to me ...telling me what to do if the fever got over 105. I was hearing her, but at the same time, my mind was busy deciding what I would do if Jubilee died from a fever. The nurse is still talking...We had to take Jubilee's temp every hour until we noticed it was coming down. After the nurses call, we snuck in while Jubilee slept and took her temp again: 102.5 Whew!

However, seeing a lower temperature didnt ease the anxiety at all. I had somehow convinced myself that if I fell asleep, she would get worse. Rationally, I knew it was just a fever, and it was coming down. But I couldnt stop the anxiety. I prayed for a bit, and eventually I fell asleep. Next thing I knew, I was dreaming. It was one of those dreams where you arent aware youre dreaming and you think its really happening. Like when your alarm goes off and you hit snooze, and you dream you are getting in the shower - getting ready for work - then you wake up think, "whoa, that was a dream".

In my dream, I woke up with Jubilee's fever on my mind. I went sleepily to her room to check on her. As I got there I looked down into the crib and I couldnt see her. It was too dark. I turned around and switched on her little flower lamp that gives off a soft enough light to see, but not enough to wake her. I turned back around to the crib to see Jubilee blue and lifeless.

Then I really woke up. I sat up gasping for air about ready to scream and have a total freak out when I realized it was just a dream. I ran to Jubilee's room to check on her and she is fine. I touched her skin and she even felt cold. A first in 4 days. The fever finally broke. I covered her back up and now the anxiety is gone. But, UGH...a rough night.