Im a Law-Breaker!

I admit it, I am a rebellious heathen with no regard for the law. I got a no-seatbelt ticket.

Ok, Im being dramatic about being a heathen. But I seriously cannot remember to put on my seatbelt. I have, on more than a few occasions, been sneaking my belt on as the sight of a state patrol car inches next to me at the stop light. Usually Im sly enough to get away with it. Not last Wednesday however. He spotted me at just the right time. Driving the whole 5 mins it takes me to get from my moms house to my house. He stopped me and told me not only was I in violation of no seatbelt, but he could also give me a ticket for not having Jubilee's carset installed properly. Ok, I will fully admit I broke the law about my seatbelt...but no way was Juju's seat installed wrong. I am DILIGENT about her seat. He went around the van and opened the door to inspect it. Upon inspection he admitted he was a bit confused by that brand of carseat and that I should run right home and look at the directions. (Dammit, if Britney Spears doesnt get a ticket, then I sure as hell better not!) So, I did, and YES my carseat was installed correctly - maybe a bit too much give on both sides - but Troy tightened it and its FINE! Anyway, yes, I got a no-seatbelt ticket.....and YES Im still forgetting to put it on, but Im working on it!!

The funniest thing about this is, I have a good friend named Jack, and he just got a no-seatbelt ticket too. If one of us has something, the other has to have it too!

My Unwelcome Visitor

After giving birth, some women experience post partum depression/anxiety. The release of hormones and the general chaos that a woman's body goes through can sometimes send us into a mood frenzy. Most often, that frenzy goes away with time. Post Partum Depression/Anxiety can last up to a year. The way I understand it, if it lasts longer than that...its something else.

Since Jubilee was born Ive experienced horrific anxiety. For the entire first year of her life I lived with it daily. For much of that first year I didnt enjoy my baby the way I do now because the only thought that consumed me was, "Is she going to die today?" I look back at baby pictures of her and realize I didnt enjoy that moment like I could have because I was too consumed with anxiety.

With Jubilee's first birthday, a lot of the anxiety regarding her disappeared. I think finally getting a myriad of doctors to declare her health and development perfectly normal helped a whole lot. I was relieved. However, instead of the anxiety completely disappearing, it just kind of took a different form. I could no longer consider it "Post Partum Anxiety".

I take medication to keep anxiety at bay and for the most part, it works. But once in a while that anxiety creeps up to the point of almost being unable to function. Its a very strange thing to describe and experience because I dont consider myself to be worrisome or weak-minded. But at times for the past week or so, all Ive wanted to do is sit in a corner and cry over some impending doom and disaster that MAY happen to my loved ones, or me....and most dreaded - BECAUSE of me. Its a fear that makes my body shake and my tummy sick. Its that kind of anxiety that I hate most - the kind I cant put my finger on. Just a feeling of horrible doom and disappointment to others in the near future. It may last a whole day or just a few minutes. I know it doesnt make sense, but it feels so real. I feel very out of control and hate it so much. Jubilee is very good for me in these moments because I know that no matter what Im feeling - I still have to be a mom. I still have to function and even if its only to feed her and get her dressed, Im still functioning and not letting the anxiety over-take me.

Thank god times like this are few and far between.

My Icky Eye: Here We Go Again

Since I last wrote about my icky eye, they were taking me off of the eye drops and oral medication and looking into the possibility of it being Pseudo Tumor Cerebri. I had lots of blood work done to determine that it wasnt connective tissue disorders or anything auto-immune or thyroid.... so we're pretty sure we're dealing with Pseudo Tumor at this point. Its not as scary as it sounds. Mine isnt in my brain, and Im not having any vision changes. I am having some headaches and dizziness, but hard to tell if they are connected.

Since Ive weaned off the drops and meds, my eye looks much worse. Its mostly on the inside toward the corner of my eye, but at times - like in the morning - my whole eye is awful looking. Here is what it looks like now:

So the treatment is oral Prednisone. Im not happy about that. Im considering not even taking it. It has some pretty ugly side effects that Im not sure are worth dealing with to not have a red eyeball.

Side Effects of Prednisone
The most commonly encountered side effects are:
Sodium retention
Increased appetite
Increased fat deposits
Increased acid in your stomach
Increased sweating, especially at night
Increased hair growth
Acne on the face, back, and chest
Bone and muscle problems
Growth problems in children
Eye problems
Increased sugar in the blood
Increased sensitivity to the sun
Delayed wound healing
Decreased ability to fight infection
Thrush (Candida) growth in the mouth

Some of these side effects I am already dealing with as symptoms of PCOS. Things that are VERY annoying and make me one high maintence girl so I dont look like a teenage Wookie.

So what would you do? Would you take the Prednisone? Especially if some of the side effects were things you were already dealing with? Like acne, weight control and hair growth? Let me hear from some of you... especially those who have taken Prednisone. What do you think?

Jubilee is Two!!

I can hardly believe that Juju is two. The past two years have FLOWN by. Lately Ive been looking at her newborn pics just to see how much she has grown. What ends up happening is me tearing up and remembering how scary it was in the beginning. What a miracle Jubilee is....things could have turned out so differently.


I dont look at this picture often because it reminds me of what I was feeling at that moment. We are so lucky and thankful that she shows no effects of what happened to her two years ago. She is truly a miracle baby.




We had a good time celebrating her birthday on Sunday. We had a small family BBQ. Everyone brought a yummy side dish and Troy grilled some burgers. It was great fun. Jubilee received some FUN gifts that I can hardly reel her away from. In this pic she is playing in the WAY cool crab-shaped sand box that Aunt Holly and Uncle Jason gave her. Its been raining the past few days and has been BEGGING to play in the, "dewwt". (dirt)







Troy's parents gave Jubilee a gorgeous swing set. Its made of wood and has a glider, slide, two swings, ladders and a platform at the top of the slide to play in. It was so generous of them to get that for her PLUS assemble it and Im thrilled. Its the kind of swing set that she will have throughout her childhood and will grow with her.

Jubilee loved all her gifts and still talks about her "paahtee". Today is her actual birthday and has been scampering around the house singing, "Happy Day to Jujuuuuu! Happy Day to youuuuu!" Here is a pic of her VERY excited over a new pair of jeans! (I get this excited over new clothes too!)

Thanks to everyone who helped make that a special day for her!

Insomnia Speaks

Its 3:21am and I cant sleep. Ive been tossing and turning since about 1am. Jubilee joined me in the no-sleep marathon at 2am and she is just now falling back to sleep. I had to tell her she needed her rest for tomorrow because it was the day of her party. "PAAAAAHTEEEE???" This exclamation was accompanied by her "surprised" face. Its a big expression with her mouth shaped in a big "O". I didnt think she could grasp the concept of a birthday party yet, but as she is falling asleep right now, she is singing, "Happy Day to Jujuuuuuu....Happy Day!" Thats her version of Happy Birthday.

I just cant seem to shut my mind off tonight. Thinking lots about Juju's party, (which isnt really a birthday party as much as a small family BBQ), my stupid icky eye situation, my cousin Janet's boob, and how dirty my house is even tho I spent much of yesterday working on it. I know I will love having everyone over my house tomorrow, Im just not a hostess for the most part. I dont usually have houseguests, and the people who do come over regularly know that Im not a very good housekeeper and that a toddler rules the cleanliness of my castle at the mo. I mean, my house isnt DIRTY, but if you looked in the shower for example, there are scribblings on the tile of bath crayons and a myriad of toys and of kid-friendly soaps. In a corner of every room is a basket too-full of toys, and probably a sippy cup or two in various states of fullness lying on the floor. And we wont even talk about dog hair. Oy. OH..and the refridgerator....OMG. It has bubbling tupperware of which the contents are unrecognizable. When I clean out the refridgerator Im usually uttering, "When did I make THAT!?" several times. If my cousin Glen were still in school for forensic science, I would call him up and tell him I had some good specimens for him to study.

Hmm...maybe I should be cleaning instead of blogging.... NAAAAH!

Poopy in the Toilet!

(First off, those of you who prefer not to hear about poop in any manner may want to skip this post. I am a mother of a toddler and poop is pretty much in my daily vocabulary.)

Of course I never assumed I knew it all about being a Mommy. And if I ventured even close to that assumption, my daughter would reel me back in so fast I'd have whiplash. I read a lot of parenting advice. Anything from books to articles to online information. I am as prepared as any parent could get I suppose. However, in all my preparation for becoming a parent, and all the knowledge I have gained, this is what I know: I dont know anything. Even tho I have read the books - life doesnt go according to the books.

The latest realization of this is in potty training. I started to potty train Jubilee early on....probably around 12 months. Nothing extensive... just introduced her to the little potty chair and let her get used to the idea. By 18 months she had gone potty on the potty chair a handful of times. I figured, "OH! she is almost ready!" So around 20 months I figured my kid was smart enough to get the hang of it. She just needed my support. I read a lot of information and heard a lot of advice from friends, (some of which had their babies potty trained at 8 months). We picked a day and went full force with panties and everything! It was an utter failure. Jubilee didnt have one success. What I learned from that is this: If you try to potty train your child before they are ready...you are just training yourself. My friends who have had their babies potty trained at 8 months or so, (in my opinion and no offense to them at all), have just trained themselves to know the queues of their babies of when they are going to urinate.

Jubilee had all the readiness signs, (according to the books), but I think emotionally she wasnt ready. So we put potty training on the back burner for a couple months. Now, Im letting her take the lead. Once I started taking this approach, things are coming together. I didnt push the potty, I didnt make her sit on the potty. But when she told me, "poop", I asked if she wanted to go to the potty and she agreed. For 3 days in a row, Jubilee has gone #2 in the big potty...not even her potty chair. I have not changed a poopy diaper in 3 days. Im hoping today will be number 4 and Im not jinxing it by blogging about it!

She is quite funny when she uses the big potty succesfully too. When she goes we have a party. Party hats, a balloon, stickers, and a Hello Kitty sparkley she gets to wear on her shirt. We call everyone we know that would care and she informs them of the poopy in the big potty. Then we flush and she stands over the toilet saying, "bye bye potty!" She is obviously very proud of herself. We dance and sing and yell, "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!"

Never in my life would I think I would be sooooo excited over poop in the toilet. But I am.

Various Bits and Pieces

Not a lot going on the past couple days. Just getting some energy back from not feeling so well, and cleaning up the house and yard for the family BBQ we're having on Sunday for Jubilee's 2nd birthday. Its not really a birthday party. She's only 2 and at this point its more for us than her, but I thought it would be fun to get the fam together.

Jubilee has been waking up in the middle of the night again lately. Not sure if its nightmares or just happenstance, but Ive definitely needed to adjust. She wakes up saying, "MommyMommyMommyMommy!" I stumble into her room to comfort her and nothing from my Mommy Bag O' Tricks is working. She wants in Mommy's bed and Im too tired to fight that battle, so I bring her to my bed. Usually she is very satisfied once in my bed. She will never sleep there...but very content to snuggle and talk for a while until she is ready to go back to her bed. Not last night tho. Last night she cried - with tears! I sang and played with her fingers in just the way she likes but nothing worked. She had a very wet diaper so I changed it and she asked for Daddy. I took her to Troy, but he was out like the dead - none of this woke him. Jubilee then wanted to watch TV - and thats where I drew the line. I needed some sleep. I opened the curtains and showed Jubilee outside. I said, "Look its dark outside. The birdies are sleeping, the bugs are sleeping and even the airplanes are sleeping. Its time for Juju to sleep too!" She started to cry again but said, "Ooooooookaaaaaaaaayyyyyy!" She walked back to her bedroom and pointed to her crib and said, "lay dowwwwnnnn." All while crying her eyes out. I put her back in her crib and she had to have baby #1, baby #2, pink carebear, and purple carebear. Then she was ready to go back to sleep. And so was I!

The only place we went yesterday was to get flowers. I have this old radio flyer wagon that was left from the previous owners. Its really beat up with peeling paint and chipped wood. Im going to turn it into a planter. Mom Botts helped me pick out some cool looking flowers since I have nothing even resembling a green thumb. The only think I can grow really well is mold.

Looks like its going to be nice outside here again today. Im going to blow up Jubilee's kiddie pool I think! She loves playing in water. Gotta take advantage of those sunny days when we have them here in Ghettosville!

My Mothers Day Gift

Im still pretty new at this Mothers Day thing. Obviously not as having a mom, but being one. My husband isnt all that great at remembering these important days so other than the grand feast Jason and Holly treated us to at Downriggers, (which was MORE than enough, thank you!!!), I didnt receive, and wasnt expecting any sort of a gift. Having Jubilee, and her surviving what she did is the perfect gift in and of itself.

This afternoon as I was feeling a little under the weather, Jubilee came running in to where I was snuggled up in my blanket catching up on my Survivor episodes. She wanted to play and the last thing I wanted to do was sing yet another rendition of Patty Cake. So I pulled her up onto my lap and she gave me a big hug and kiss. She then eyeballed my bottle of lotion sitting on the side table. I try not to let her play with those things since finding one of her baby dolls covered in Origins Ginger Lotion. But I gave in because I was feeling icky and it was something to keep her occupied.

She crawled down off my lap and for the next 15 minutes gave me the best darn pretend moisturizing foot rub EVER! First she took off my socks, but not before telling me that one was orange and one was green. (hey...it was laundry day). Then she pretended to pour the "shotion" on each of my feet and rubbed it in VERY nicely. She counted my toes, telling me several times in a row that they were blue, (blue toenail polish), and also made sure I knew she thought they were "preeeeeeeeetty!" After my foot rub she crawled back into my lap and said, "Love you Mommy". *melts so bad*

I forgot all about Survivor and feeling icky. Being a Mommy rocks.

Happy Mothers Day

Ode to My Mom

Youre kinda anal, and you think Im a fruit
Im sorta scatterbrained and you like to toot.

I like to rock and never take it slow,
You like it mellow and love Barry Manilow.

Vodka and beer is what you like to drink,
Diet Mountain Dew is yummy I think.

You are a backseat driver, "OMG TURN LEFT!!!"
Its not a wonder Dad is so deaf.

We're really different, and thats ok,
The best of both worlds, we're good that way.

I learned so much from you. You thought your advice was all for naught.
I absorbed more than you know, things you didnt know were being taught.

You taught me lots of things, but not just right from wrong,
Like how to be a good mommy, and how to be strong.

That list grows everyday, in fact its getting quite long.
I appreciate you more now, now that Im a mom.

Parent Education

Tonight I went to a parents meeting for Juju's Pre-three co-op school. Even tho I thought it was WAY too long, I still had a good time. Its one of those outings that you dread and wish you didnt have to go.....until you get there and you were glad you went.

We talked a lot about "The Two Year Old" and what to expect in the coming months. I learned that Jubilee is very typical in some areas and very not-so-typical in others. Most of the other parents agreed that "NO!" was their kids favorite word right now. Jubilee rarely, if ever, says no. When she does say it, its in reference to something she doesnt want. "No tights, no bath, no cheese" for example. She never says "NO" just to say it - which at this age, is a common thing Im told. People also commented on how social Jubilee is. One mom was trying to describe her to her husband. She said, "Jubilee is almost like a mini adult. She interacts with you and makes you laugh. It isnt like a toddler getting your attention, its like she is engaging you." Im not sure I see the difference, but I love that my little ham is making people talk - in a good way.

Also at the meeting we discussed "positive discipline" which Im not quite sure I buy into it all. Yes, I want my child to be well-adjusted and happy. No, I dont think the only way that can happen is if I never ever use the word "no" and only make a Time-Out a positive fluffy experience. I believe in positive reinforcement I guess. What they call "positive discipline" is not discipline at all....but distractions and only happiness. Well if I only distract Jubilee from running out into the road, (oh look Juju! Something Shiney!), and never discipline her for actually running into road, how is she going to know she shouldnt run into the road? Just seems silly to me.

Mostly tho, there was good information. We also talked about potty training, eating and sleeping patterns and activities to cure boredom. Its also good for me to hear other parents say, "Yes! I get frustrated too!" So then I dont feel like the most impatient mom ever. Other people want to lock themselves in the bathroom and pretend they are constipated just to get a few moments alone too! Its not just me! And we compare our kids behavior so we know its normal. No, two year olds arent supposed to share. Its ok that Jubilee is a bully right now...she will grow out of it. No, she isnt the only one still in a crib or sleeping with a binky. There was lots of good encouragment.

It was good to get away from home a little bit and have conversations with adults. (No, Troy does NOT count...I said ADULTS.) And it was good to know that for the most part, Im doing it right. And the days that I dont get it right, I have tomorrow to try again.

Smells from Unknown Origins

Im really weird about smells. I think I have a very sensitive smeller. I think I got it from my mom, who can hardly stand anyone to wear perfume around her. She can also tell if you are pooping from 1.5 miles away. (But only if you are her kids or her dog.) But I digress...

When I was pregnant I swear my nose got more sensitive to smells. I could tell if someone was smoking at the car next to me at the stop light without looking. I drove Troy insane, (albeit a VERY short trip), with my bi-hourly inquisitions, "Do you smell THAT?!" Its not as bad as that now Im not pregnant, but pretty close. Today a pair of Jubilee's new jeans were in the hamper in her room getting ready to go to the washer. I picked them up and realized they smelled funny...not bad, kind of good actually. And its not the new clothes smell either - it was faint and like lotion or perfume. Now these pants are new and never been worn. In fact, they went from store, to the bag, to Juju's room at the top of the laundry bin that holds only her clothes. Upon further inspecting the jeans I realized there were wet spots on them...and those wet spots smelled like that lotion smell. For the life of me, I can NOT figure out how those pants got wet or what the smell is on them. Its a smell of unknown origin. THOSE kind of smells are the smells I hate the most. WHY! WHY! WHY! does it smell that way??? It haunts me.

If you get the urge to read blogs about things other than my smells,...look at my new links... There are my favorite blogs there from people near and dear to me!

The Insanity that is Tom Cruise

Anyone that knows me knows that I think Tom Cruise is a nutball. In fact, most of the people I talk to think that way too. In the past few months alone hes done and said enough crazy things to make a casual movie-goer wonder if he is off his psycotropic meds..(oh wait...he doesnt use any because its a "false" science). My disdain for Mr. Cruise goes back farther. Especially when he publically condemned Brooke Shields for using medication to treat her post partum depression.

I had a little bit of PPD, and A LOT of PPA (post partum anxiety). I know that had I not sought help and taken a small dosage of medication to relieve the anxiety, I would be in very bad shape today. But even if I were lucky enough to not experience either of those things, I would know Tom Cruise talks out of his ass and he has apparently mistaken it for his brain.

Since the whole Brooke Shields/Matt Lauer/Oprah Winfrey thing, he continues to push Scientology to the front of his infamy. Its sad really....he's become just like Michael Jackson. So much money, so much fame....and no one in his life to say, "Hey....you need to put the coo-coo back in the clock." He has gone off the deep end so much so that its trickling into his career. Even Mission Impossible III is doing realllllllllllllly bad at its open weekend at the box office. Totally underwhelming. So much so that at theaters close to the Hollywood Scientology Center are reporting strange ticket sale patterns.

http://www.deadlinehollywooddaily.com/unusual-mi3-ticket-sales-at-arclight-near-scientology-celeb-center/

http://www.perezhilton.com/topics/tom_cruise/rescue_mission_20060506.php
M for Manipulation is RIGHT..... CREEEEEEPY!

The Journey to Silverdale

First off, let me share Jubilee's Two Year pictures. No, she's not 2 yet, but in a couple weeks she will be!

It was difficult to get some good shots. She wasnt in the mood to smile at all. But we did get some good expressions.

We were acting like fools trying to get her to smile. Here she was dancing while my mom and I sang, "Menamenah".

The camera lady was trying so hard to get her to smile...but this is what Jubilee thought of her...

Out of desperation for a smile, we even tried to bribe with fruit snacks which she knows as, "canny" (candy). We still didnt get a smile, but she let us know she should get them anyway...

We started off in the mall where we got some great clearance deals on clothes for Jubilee. Mom bought her the most ADORABLE birthday dress. We got some yummy lotion and hand soap and Bath and Body works, then Mom hit Mervyns while Jubilee and I played in the indoor playground. Jubilee LOVED it there and I was so impressed with her. Typically, she can be pretty aggressive with other kids. We've really had to work on being nice and sharing. She played like a polite angel with all the other kids with no interaction from me. In fact, the lady sitting next to me kept asking about Jubilee...how old she was and what her name was. She kept telling me how adorable Jubilee is and said, "I have my own kids to watch in here and I cant keep my eyes off of her!" haha!

We had lunch at Red Robin where again people were enamored with Juju. At the next table a little boy hit his knee on the table and cried. She told every one around us that he was "sad" and that he needed a bandage. Then she pretended to be sad too as she covered her eyes and "cried". At this point even the little boy with the owie was amused by her. What a little ham I have!!!

After lunch we had to go get diapers because I forgot them. I even forgot the stroller and we had to turn around after being on the road for 5 mins to get it. Even after going back to the house, I still didnt grab any diapers. lol (Just call me Troy.) While we were in Target I saw some dear friends, Julie Peabody and her mom Kathy, that also live in Port Angeles. I hardly ever get to see them even tho we attend the same church, (different services), and live in small town Ghettosville. But then I run into them in Silverdale, (weird!) and it was great to see them.

The trip in itself went pretty good even tho I had a tired toddler on my hands. I was able to get the art easel for her birthday gift cheaper than I thought. Even Mom kept her back seat driving to a minimum. I know that was difficult for her..she must have been ready to explode by the time I dropped her off.

BTW, the funniest thing (to me) about Silverdale?... The porno shop is connected and in the same building as The Mattress Barn. HAHA

Just a Quickie!

Just a quickie post to let you know I didnt have an eye appt yesterday after all. They called and canceled it so we would have time to wean me off the drops.

Tomorrow Im going to Silverdale, (the closest town with a decent mall and Toys R Us), to go birthday shopping for Jubilee. We are also going to get Jubilee's 2nd birthday pictures taken.

Have a good weekend everyone!

My Icky Eye: Closer to a Diagnosis

Are you guys sick of hearing about my eye yet? When I first started to blog about this, I thought it was just a weird thing that would go away in no time. But now I feel like its become a strange journey. Again, I appreciate all your calls and emails asking for updates and well wishes.

The truth is, I think its much less scary than what its all sounded like. My eye has never really been in pain and I still feel like its just a fluke wacko thing.

My eye doctor did call me last night with the final report of my cat scan. What that showed was the inflammation is not just on the surface of my eye but all around it. So the drops were making the surface look better, but behind the eye was still inflamed. There are several things that could be causing this. Some auto-immune disease or a connective tissue disorder. OR a Pseudo tumor. I go in for blood work today to test for those things. If they are negative, my eye doctor will treat my eye for a pseudo tumor. That sounds MUCH scarier than what it is. Basically what it boils down to is: Unexplained Chronic Inflammation. Treatment for that is Prednisone which I am NOT happy about if indeed its pseudo tumor. But I guess I will worry about that when I need to.

I have an appt on Thursday to hear the results of the blood test and talk about a treatment. I will keep you updated. Thanks for checking in on me!