After giving birth, some women experience post partum depression/anxiety. The release of hormones and the general chaos that a woman's body goes through can sometimes send us into a mood frenzy. Most often, that frenzy goes away with time. Post Partum Depression/Anxiety can last up to a year. The way I understand it, if it lasts longer than that...its something else.
Since Jubilee was born Ive experienced horrific anxiety. For the entire first year of her life I lived with it daily. For much of that first year I didnt enjoy my baby the way I do now because the only thought that consumed me was, "Is she going to die today?" I look back at baby pictures of her and realize I didnt enjoy that moment like I could have because I was too consumed with anxiety.
With Jubilee's first birthday, a lot of the anxiety regarding her disappeared. I think finally getting a myriad of doctors to declare her health and development perfectly normal helped a whole lot. I was relieved. However, instead of the anxiety completely disappearing, it just kind of took a different form. I could no longer consider it "Post Partum Anxiety".
I take medication to keep anxiety at bay and for the most part, it works. But once in a while that anxiety creeps up to the point of almost being unable to function. Its a very strange thing to describe and experience because I dont consider myself to be worrisome or weak-minded. But at times for the past week or so, all Ive wanted to do is sit in a corner and cry over some impending doom and disaster that MAY happen to my loved ones, or me....and most dreaded - BECAUSE of me. Its a fear that makes my body shake and my tummy sick. Its that kind of anxiety that I hate most - the kind I cant put my finger on. Just a feeling of horrible doom and disappointment to others in the near future. It may last a whole day or just a few minutes. I know it doesnt make sense, but it feels so real. I feel very out of control and hate it so much. Jubilee is very good for me in these moments because I know that no matter what Im feeling - I still have to be a mom. I still have to function and even if its only to feed her and get her dressed, Im still functioning and not letting the anxiety over-take me.
Thank god times like this are few and far between.
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Awwwww Janet, thanks! When I look back at that post, I realize it sounds realllllllllly bad. But its just how I feel in that moment and it always passes. Its not a logical thing or even something I think I can talk through. Altho, writing about it was sort of theraputic.
Funny how the anxiety thing works... I didnt have any at all about not wearing my seatbelt when I got my ticket the other day!
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